It's windy, cold and damp, and it's just as bad outside, a little joke there? No, I've heard it before as well. Is this the time of year when people get the winter blues?  In december you had Xmas or the new year to look forward to, you know to keep you going, keeping your spirits up. Was it all worth it? Some of us may have got some lovely new presents from our loved ones/santa, and some of us may have got the usual shite ( I must admit to getting, some good stuff) and there's always those of us who got sod all, not a visit, not  a hot meal or anything. I've been there before, on many occasions, but not for a long time now. I managed, somehow, to drag myself out of the gutter, and all the drink and drugs, and get a bit of respectability, in a new life. I'm not saying that it was easy, I certainly couldn't do it today. If I had decided to stay in the mire, that was my life, all those years ago, would I still be alive today? I don't know. I worry that my own kids will go through the same as me, I also want to tell them that living on your own, in a bedsit, miles from home in a stupor isn't fun. There are usually three ways to get out of it ( the drink, drug taking situation) The first is death, and that's not too attractive, even at the worst of times ( I have thought about suicide, but never had the courage to do it, although I now believe that it's not courage, it's selfish and heart-breaking for those left to clean up the sorry mess) Then eventually you're gonna have a few run-ins with the law, which I did, and I've had my share of bed & full board at Her Majesty's Hotels up and down the country. When I was in Brighton, we went on a ferry, but had no intention of getting off, it was a weekend of back and forth on the Channel, the duty-free was still in force then, so we all got sozzled. We did this about once a month in the summer, as we'd get away with it, because it was so busy. One time we decided to take a different way, and I ended up in a police cell, I hadn't the foggiest idea how I got there, but thought that the cell was on the ferry, however I did remember thinking to myself that it was a very smooth crossing, I wasn't on the ferry, I was in a Dutch police cell. How on earth I got there, I don't know. I was only taken in because I was found sleeping and they couldn't wake me, and I had no money on me. A man from the Embassy came to see me ( this was before all the open borders stuff mind 1982-3 I think) and they put me on a ferry home, and when I reached good old Blighty, my passport was confiscated until I paid back the cost of the Ferry. Bastards that they are. Anyway that was the end of that for me. So I went back to my bedsit, and waited for dole day, 3 days I had to go, but there was a soup kitchen at 8pm near the seafront most nights so that kept me going, plus there'd be the odd mate coming round to skin-up. But I thought NO this is NOT how I'm gonna live my life anymore, and did something about it. Firstly I moved away from the area, then started looking for work, tried to keep sober, there was the odd falling off the wagon, I'm not saying that it was easy, hell NO. But I made it through all of that and now? I'm back on drugs again, prescribed by my doctor, because I can hardly walk, due to the pain in my back & legs, some days are better than others, but some days you just want it all to go away, by any means at your disposal.
So I'm feeling a bit shitty today, maybe tomorrow I'll be better? Hope so... And that is M E

Life isn't much fun, at the moment, in fact to be perfectly honest ( and I do try to be honest) it's fucking shit. I feel like just walking out the door, but where would I go? How long would i last? Maybe I'll just hang about until I'm a bit better prepared to go, yeah I think I'll do just that. What if I never get any better? Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? If I could change things, in my life, there are so many things I wouldn't do, so many changes I'd love to do, but maybe I'd be worse off, what if I'm actually dead, and this is HELL???
If only, yeah? How the fuck to I get this print smaller?
It's now starting to get on my fucking nerves.
Children eh? Well children are like Piles most of the time you know they're there, but they don't bother you, sometimes you have to give them things to keep them down, and sometimes they're a real pain in the fucking arse.