I thought that I'd do an educational weblog post today ( not that all my other posts aren't educational, this one is even more educational) It's a few tips for the men, when using the loo, and everything that goes on in there, like washing, ( yes honest, I wouldn't lie guys) bathing, not just the little ones either, ( that's children) showering, shaving, and the other stuff that we men do a lot. Right guys, you go into the bathroom, because you need a wee, now we all know about the women being fussy about us guys leaving the toilet seat up, so don't bother lifting it up then, just try to aim into the pan, but shaking the drips could be a problem, but hey, the toilet seat's not up is it? Let's say you want to wash your hands, you've just done a dump, and you've newspaper ink on yer hands, so you need to wash it off. Use the bar of soap, don't go looking for any liquid soap, it's not worth the hassle. Try to dry your hands on the hand-towel ( oh and you'll know when you've got guests staying, the new towels will be out, the ones that just re-arrange the water on yer skin) don't use the big, white bath towel. I'd like to move on now to showering, look once a month is fine. You are in the shower, and you've got the water temperature just right. You may notice that all around you are lots of plastic bottles, now be very careful which bottle you choose to wash your hair with, try looking for one that has SHAMPOO on the label, if in amongst all the steam, you can just read bits of the labels, don't use one that maybe starts with Condi, or ends with tioner, that won't get your hair very clean, you'll be able to get a comb through it, but steer clear of those bottles. You can always use a product called " SHOWER GEL "  it's a bit like washing up liquid, but smells different, it may be Spring Forrest? (Me neither) Or Mountain Lake? I'm not making this up guys. You can also use these to wash your body. Be careful not to use a sponge that is just there. It doesn't go down too well with the females. Right you've had your shower, and you need to dry yourself off. Have a look around, see which is the biggest towel, and try drying yourself with that. If it's one of those towels that just redistributes the water about your body, throw it on the floor, then just use all the other towels in the bathroom, remembering to put them on the floor beside the laundry basket, and never, NEVER EVER, actually in the basket.
So you're showered, your dry-ish, next is the under-arm deoderant, or anti-perspirent, sorry guys we gotta do it, we can't use the old one about saving the planet, as the CFC's are no longer in them. Now be careful which can to pick, if the cans nozzle sprays upwards, from the top, as opposed to sideways, then there's a good chance that it will be air freshener, and we don't wanna be going about smelling like old ladies, with all the lavender in the can. Also if the can looks girly-ish, that's because it is for females, so choose wisely. Another thing, watch how you spray it all over ( and it's not just for under-arms, it's for your body too, although leave the dangly bits out, oooohh, still gives me a chill to even think about it) make sure the nozzle is aimed at where you want it to go, and not at your face ( learn from my mistakes guys) or you'll have to use the mouthwash, that's the blue/red coloured stuff in a bottle. If you have to use the mouthwash, swill but don't swallow. Most contain a small amount of alcohol, but guys don't drink it, you'll be on the pan for days if you do. You can also brush your teeth, if you feel like it. Your toothbrush will be the grottiest looking one, but just use the newest looking toothbrush, or if there's an electric one, use that.
So we're now all fresh as a new born baby, the towels are on the toilet floor, you've left the cold water tap dripping, the loo seat is peppered with splashes of your wee. The Bathroom is like a steam room, and you've left the lid off the toothpaste, the shampoo/shower gel, the bubble bath, which for good measure you managed to knock into the bath, and is now all over the place. The shampoo and conditioner bottles are on their side, dripping into the bath, and you've left your toe-nail clippings in the bath, on the floor, in the wash-hand basin ( how we do that amazes me too) and even one on the loo seat.
So that's it guys, you can now head off down the pub, knowing that you've followed the Bathroom Etiquette Guide, and haven't made any extra work for your wife/partner. Have a good one, and have a beer on me lads. Cheers...